WET BREAD by Gage Thomas


Soggy Bread Final

So I have this problem, a phobia even, of something I think is repulsive: wet bread. It’s pretty bad.

It is so bad that the thought of it was enough to make me gag and even vomit once or twice in the past. It sucks. I generally don’t like to tell people about it but I figured making light of it is the best way to deal with this problem. It makes for good writing. I do regret telling some of my closest friends though. It would be impossible for me to count the numerous times I have received snap chats from friends of pictures of wet bread or even posts to my Facebook timeline of photos of wet bread.

It is disgusting and I hate it.

It comes up in the worst places too. Things like garlic bread are inedible to me. One time I received a sandwich from subway and by the time I opened it, the bottom slice of bread was soggy. Cue vomit sound effect.

Another instance was actually from a lunch here at Heritage. I’m not criticizing the lunch ladies, they are lovely people, but the sandwich could have been a little less moist. Note to self, never buy a grilled cheese here at school.

I question why some people are my friends. They like to describe the evil that is wet bread or show me pictures of it at every instance possible, apparently they are amused of making me dry heave and gag whenever they can. That is friendship: insulting your friends and making them feel uncomfortable.

The people I play games with like to set their sprays (a feature in PC games that allows people to display, or “spray,” their own images on surfaces in the game) to pictures of wet bread. No where is safe in games for me. It is either wet bread, wet bread, or death. I know that it is out of good taste and just to have fun but that does not make it any better. I haven’t played PC games regularly for quite some time because of this.

The problem is primarily the texture that it produces. But it goes beyond that, the sound that is produced when squashed is equally as cringe-worthy. It sounds like someone throwing mashed potatoes against a wall. It is like a good multimedia production. The audio and the visuals enhance the overall effect that the piece is trying to convey, the effect being me keeling over and displaying my lunch on the sidewalk.

I know exactly when I started having this problem, it was about a year or two ago when I heard someone talk about it in a podcast I listened to (It is the Rooster Teeth Podcast and the person is named Gavin Free if you’re curious. This is not a plug.). I wanted to know why it was so disgusting to him so I searched around a bit.

Terrible mistake.

I first saw a video of a person spraying a loaf of bread with a hose and then sitting on it. The sound effect alone made me cringe.

I then took the wet bread challenge, a challenge in which one dips a slice of bread into a cup of water and then eats it, pretty simple.

It did not end well. Let’s just say I was praying to the porcelain god later that day.

I’m sure I would have developed this phobia eventually, but it just accelerated the process. I’ve tried to rationalize why I have this irrational fear. I think I have figured it out. I believe mold is the source of my problems, allow me to elaborate.

I think my body and mind subconsciously associated wet, sopping bread with moldy, fuzzy bread. I find mold equally as disgusting as wet bread so I have reasoned that my body just rejects anything that relates to it.

Maybe this problem is tailored to my personality, personalized for me. I say this because there are certain things that one might think would fall under this but do not. I like soggy cereal for example, Fruity Pebbles and Cinnamon Life are my favorite. Of all things, I don’t have a problem with bread pudding which is essentially soggy bread and pudding. Maybe I’m just crazy, this phobia certainly sounds outlandish to normal people.

Wet bread might as well be a on and off switch for me because once it is turned on, I’m just dry-heaving and gagging until it is out of sight. Even writing about it now makes me nauseous due to having to think about it. I’ve been taking periodic breaks while writing this. Some things I wish I couldn’t picture in my mind.

I’ve researched it time and time again but there aren’t many people who have this problem either. Some people suggest that this phobia could be called painaquaphobia. Call it what you want, I call it disgusting.

If you have this problem or something similar, we should hang out sometime.

If someone knows where I can get waterproof bread, contact me immediately.


Words by Gage Thomas

Image by Jessi Proulx

Audio by Angel Hernandez